Decisions, decisions, decisions...

Every day I am faced with decisions. Whether it be my spending, choosing a daycare provider, or deciding whether or not to attend after-hours functions at work to be a "team-player" and promote my career... We all face decisions from the mundane to the life-changing ones. What makes it so difficult for me is that I feel such a responsibilty to this little person God has entrusted to me. These decisions don't just effect me and my life. If I make a mistake, I am not the only one who may suffer or pay for it. My daughter will too.

Becoming a mother changed everything for me. When Kayla was born, I became a different person. No longer tolerant of my husband's negativity, no longer so lazy and careless. I became focused and driven and all the things that were so easily ignored in the past became non-negotiable issues. That is what led me to leave my husband and file for divorce. He could be mean to me but I would not tolerate his hatefulness about our daughter. He was jealous of her and at times completely ignored her existence. He was not a caring father. He seemed to merely tolerate her. That was not acceptable to me.

She was 3 months old when I took her and left. When she was 6 months old I filed for divorce. It was final when she was 11 months old. I started dating a wonderful guy during that time. Then she and I moved away from the small town where my husband and I had lived. We moved to the city and started a whole new life. I found an apartment for us near where my new "boyfriend" lives. I got a job as a receptionist, found daycare, and basically started over.

I look back and realize how low my self-esteem was during my marriage and I am still struggling with it. It is probably a big part of my lack of confidence regarding my parenting. I feel unworthy, inadequate, incapable... So much stems from my past and it just lingers on in my mind.

You hear the analogy of the "tapes" we all hear playing over and over in our mind. Those old tapes, people from your past, dragging us down. How do we turn those off?

I guess when I look into my daughter's eyes and see myself reflected there, I should focus on how she sees me. She reaches for me. I am her comfort. In her eyes, I don't make mistakes. That is how I need to see myself. I need to love myself as she loves me. Then I can't go wrong.