He said "goodbye"...

Kayla has been with my mom and dad for a couple of days. I have been working long, stressful days and there were a couple of days when I had a severe headache. They came and picked her up so she could stay with them so I could get well, rest up a little bit, and finish out my work week. In additon, they LOVE having her there and she loves being there. I am not sure who enjoys the visits more, them or her. She is so happy when she is with her "Mamaw" and "Pap". She has named them. We started out calling them Granny and Grandpa but she has decided what she wants to call them instead.

Kayla's dad told me he was moving on Thursday. She went over to my parent's house on Thursday night. There was no point letting him know she was there. As far as I knew, he was already moved away. Mom said he showed up over there to drop off child support money for Kayla on Friday morning. He was shocked when he saw that she was there. (As I said, why would I have even told him she was there?) Mom said he stayed for 15 minutes. He did not interact with Kayla very much at all. He told my mom he was moving and that his whole family was at his apartment waiting for him. He never asked to take Kayla to see his family, less than a mile away. They never came back over to see her. He spent 15 minutes and then left.

His family has not seen Kayla for months and months. As a matter of fact, I could not tell you the last time they saw her. I send them pictures of her in e-mail and I know my mom has sent some pics to them as well. I suggested to him many times that he take Kayla to see them but he always had an excuse. What I heard him say was that it was too much trouble, although not in those exact words. His actions speak so loudly. So as my previous post said, I believe he is "moving on with his life".

In the shadow of an absent parent...

Kayla's Dad is gone. He moved away yesterday. He left the state and now lives about 175 miles from his daughter. My heart hurts for her.

I won't lie. I am happy for myself. I won't have to deal with him or talk to him or see him as much. In fact, I may never see him again. For me, hooray...

But for my little girl, her Daddy has choosen to remove himself from her life, possibly permanently. I know what I have to do. I know what I am going to do. That is no different than it was before he moved. I am going to love her with all my heart and try every day to build her up and mold her and teach her and help her and... do all the things that moms do for their children. But there is a void now that was not there before and her heart, her identity, her self-image, her world, her whole life's happiness will be effected forever by this action and his choice.

I am in the shadow of a man I hate... and standing in the void he has left behind. I weep for her. I weep for the loss of her Daddy. And all I can do is love her, which I already do with all my being.

I can't fix this, I can't change it. I have no control over him... So there is nothing I can do...

That is a revelation.

How does that go again?

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Angels watching over us...

I was trying to get Kayla to sleep last night. It had been an extraordinarily bad evening. I was not feeling well, my head was throbbing, and Kayla was being very crabby. We laid there for awhile and she took a bottle. A few minutes after the milk was gone, my niece, Cricket, came in the room. She and I started talking quietly as I kept Kayla snuggled in close to my side. Kayla stretched her hand towards Cricket and started waving, repeating "hi", "hi", "hi", "hi"... over and over again. Cricket continued talking to me and ignored her. Finally, Cricket said hi back and Kayla relaxed her arm and stopped talking. She put her thumb back in her mouth, satisfied that she had been acknowledged, and snuggled back in next to me. Cricket left the room and several minutes went by. We were laying there in the dark, staring up at the blue cloth canopy stretched over our heads. It was quiet and still. My head was throbbing and I became overwhelmed with emotion and pain and a million thoughts. I started to cry. I was not crying out loud, but silently to myself, and tears streaked down my face, one after another. Kayla once again stretched her arm up, began waving again and began her litany of "hi's" as she had done when Cricket was in the room. I was caught of guard and strained in the dark to make sure no one was in the room with us. I thought maybe my pain and tears had caused me to miss someone. There was no one there, yet Kayla continued her waving and continued to say "hi" to the canopy. I turned to her and said, "Kayla? Do you see someone up there?" She stopped, turned to me, and said, "Yes." I said, "Where are they?" She pointed a single little finger straight up to the cloth and said, "Up there..." Amazed on so many levels, I asked, "Who is it? Who's up there?" She looked straight at me, pulled her thumb out of her mouth and said, "God." in a very clear, sure tone. Then she looked back up and recommenced sucking her thumb. I asked, "Kayla? Is it Jesus up there?" She looked at me and spoke out of the corners of her mouth without removing her thumb, saying a very clear, "No." almost in a way of implying that I was silly to even ask that. I was dumbfounded. We continued to lay there together in the dark. She sucked her thumb and I pondered what had just happened. Oddly enough, I wasn't compelled to cry anymore. All I could do was lay there and wonder.

A few minutes passed in silence. She sucked away on her thumb as she stared straight up with her eyes wide open. I laid motionless, in silence, watching her, wondering. After a few more minutes, she again stretched her arm up to the canopy, opened and closed her fingers in a waving motion, and again started her "hi", "hi", "hi"... I looked over at her and asked, "Kayla, is God still up there?" She said, "yeah" without looking away from the canopy and continuing to wave. I said, "Blow Him kisses." She pulled her waving arm down to her mouth and began fluttering kiss after kiss toward the canopy with her hand.
I was speechless as I laid there, watching this little girl blowing kisses to God. She finally stopped on her own and put her thumb back into her mouth. She began to relax and then after several minutes, she drifted off to sleep. I scooped her little limp body up and carried her to her bed. I gently placed her there, put her blankie where she could find it, positioned her dolly on the other side, and turned to leave my girl to dream, closing the door behind me.

I am not a super religious or highly spiritual person. I was born into a Christian family and raised to believe. We attended church irregularly while I was growing up and it has continued to be the same routine for me in my adult life. I go to church once in a while. I pray. I believe. But I am not one of those "perky Christians", spreading the gospel all over the world. I am not ashamed of who I am or what I believe... but I don't make a production out of it either. I have been teaching Kayla about God and Jesus in a subtle way, as I do everything else. I use teachable moments and keep things in context. If a situation arises and something is applicable or appropriate, I explain it to her. I pray with her every night. Sometimes we pray together during the day. She has a picture of baby Jesus and another one of Jesus as an adult in a little play wallet my mom made up for her. She knows who Jesus is when she sees those pictures. But I have not gotten deeply into it with her. I have not gone as far as telling her that Jesus or God are "up" or that heaven is "up". I am not even sure we have talked much about heaven other than me saying that she came from heaven, that she was sent by God from heaven to be with Mommy... But believe me, I don't make a big deal out of it and it isn't something that comes up all the time. Other than the time we pray, we might not even mention God in the course of a day. It just depends.

I know I am rambling terribly... but my point is, my daughter saw God... or perhaps an angel... over my bed last night. And it isn't like she has been programmed to say things like that or to see them either. She saw something. More specifically, she saw someone. I saw her interacting with them. I saw it with my own eyes. And she did it out of the blue.
I felt better after that and I feel even better today. At the very least, we had an angel with us, watching over us. At the most, God Himself came into my bedroom to comfort me and to look down on us. What an amazing thing...

At the Indianapolis Zoo - July 2005

Decisions, decisions, decisions...

Every day I am faced with decisions. Whether it be my spending, choosing a daycare provider, or deciding whether or not to attend after-hours functions at work to be a "team-player" and promote my career... We all face decisions from the mundane to the life-changing ones. What makes it so difficult for me is that I feel such a responsibilty to this little person God has entrusted to me. These decisions don't just effect me and my life. If I make a mistake, I am not the only one who may suffer or pay for it. My daughter will too.

Becoming a mother changed everything for me. When Kayla was born, I became a different person. No longer tolerant of my husband's negativity, no longer so lazy and careless. I became focused and driven and all the things that were so easily ignored in the past became non-negotiable issues. That is what led me to leave my husband and file for divorce. He could be mean to me but I would not tolerate his hatefulness about our daughter. He was jealous of her and at times completely ignored her existence. He was not a caring father. He seemed to merely tolerate her. That was not acceptable to me.

She was 3 months old when I took her and left. When she was 6 months old I filed for divorce. It was final when she was 11 months old. I started dating a wonderful guy during that time. Then she and I moved away from the small town where my husband and I had lived. We moved to the city and started a whole new life. I found an apartment for us near where my new "boyfriend" lives. I got a job as a receptionist, found daycare, and basically started over.

I look back and realize how low my self-esteem was during my marriage and I am still struggling with it. It is probably a big part of my lack of confidence regarding my parenting. I feel unworthy, inadequate, incapable... So much stems from my past and it just lingers on in my mind.

You hear the analogy of the "tapes" we all hear playing over and over in our mind. Those old tapes, people from your past, dragging us down. How do we turn those off?

I guess when I look into my daughter's eyes and see myself reflected there, I should focus on how she sees me. She reaches for me. I am her comfort. In her eyes, I don't make mistakes. That is how I need to see myself. I need to love myself as she loves me. Then I can't go wrong.

Swimming the sea of single-parenthood...

I have been divorced for about 5 months now. My daughter Kayla is 16 months old. She is amazing and beautiful and wonderful... and smart beyond belief... She is so wonderful and the overwelming obligation to take care of her and find a way to not screw up her life is ever-present in my mind. I am sure there are other people out there who are single parents and struggling to make it. I hope I can give them encouragement and let them know that they are not alone.